hospital

i went to the hospital for tests and they still dont know whats wrong with me other than gastritis that they didnt even tell me how to fix 

im so tired and my hand and stomach hurt

also one of my closest highschool friends forgot about my birthday

also i cant find myself in all of this i dont know if i should try to get testosterone soon or not because i feel like its too early and also too late, i still feel like a child but like my time is running out and i'll never be happy

and im scared ill never be happy even on testosterone bc i cant accept myself for who i am now and i will never look good in my eyes i will always have this large face and weird huge lips and soulless eyes and my belly will always stick out and i will always be built weird and look like a monster 

im so sad lately and right now im so cold

i want to cry but i dont want to be vunerable

last night was so cool we had a friend over and we got drunk but today i kind of cant feel anything at least i had a good dinner but i dont want to eat anything else ever