i love you

i cant say anything bad about you because i love you so much and i just cant. 

but i hate when i confess something hard for me or vent to you and you change the subject when you dont know what to say. i dont want to tell you this too because i dont wanna fight right now. i want us to be close when im having a hard time. you sometimes show me how you care about me and about things but you just cant say it. and when were far apart i just cant feel you caring the same. but i still love you more than anything. i wish you could understand how i feel. 

it hurts when i say i love you and you wont say it back

what would you do if i died in my sleep?

health

i have to stop talking about my health problems and start writing them  down or something. im just bothering people. but it hurts so bad and i dont know whats wrong with me i just started crying what am i supposed to do???? im going on a trip abroad soon and im so scared what will happen to me 

i feel so so so alone in my pain

hiiii

today i went to drop off my bf at the train station then i made myself breakfast

i was still hungry so i heated up two more pieces of bread and ate them with salmon 😋

at 12:25 i called to book a doctors appointment and brushed my teeth

then i ate some blueberries but most ofthem were bitter and it kind of ruined the vibe for me

now its midnight and im not feeling good my tummy hurts and other stuff 

i have a really embarrassing symptom im worried i might have to go to the doctor about

i also miss my boyfriend so so much already and i have to sleep without him i want to cry 

i dont want to be sick anymore 

i hope that test that i did finds something easily curable 

im gonna be so sad if its crohns but im gonna be heartbroken if its nothing because i cant live like this without treatment anymore i can feel that somethings very wrong

i know it could potentially be a tumor too but i doubt it, except for sometimes when i get anxious. i dont know what i would do if i had cancer 

and it probably wont get easier

my stomach hurts so bad but the two toilets here are broken this illness is so embarrassing and makes me want to cry so bad and im so angry and frystrated and it hurts so bad what do i do 

camp

i kind of feel like at q camp here but its less forced and less pressure. but q was less boring i guess. and people dont cry as much. maybe bc we will see each other many times in the future. q camp wasnt like this. it had you acting like you knew that person your whole life the last 3 days just to never talk to them again. but we were kids too. today is the last day. maybe its for the best.

10:45 shower

11:10 meds 

11:15 face and teeth

11:25 eating corn puffs

11:50 preparing stuff for painting 

12:10 painting 

12:25 meal

12:45 painting 

13:15 coffee

13:25-14:40 painting with 10min break

14:40 cleanup 

14:50 shitting 

15:20 gift shop 

15:50 rest + buying train tickets

16:35 shitting out blood :/

16:50 changing clothes and texting my boyfriend 

17:00 playing on my switch with a friend 

19:30 dinner and smoke break with friends 

19:00 playing on switch and hanging out with friends! till like 2 am

im so cold

im not showering tonight because its so cold im freezing im going to shower in teh morning

i miss him so much 

my tummy hurts 

i feel like a child i need a hug so bad 

im feeling more and more depressed lately but at the same time im full of emotions everything makes me feel a milion things at once and i cant catch up 

i need a hug

it would be easier if i was a girl

i dont feel comfortable being so vunerable but im really sad and everything is wrong i dont know what to do with myself 

i also miss my boyfriend so much and hes not texting me back but i was lowkey annoyed when he said something it sounded like he just wanted me to shut up and not be dramatic and the thing is i really am sad and im starting to feel depressed again eh 

i want to feel like myself again

i feel like my self image is so tied to him that i dont feel like myself without him. or maybe i just dont feel comfortable being myself around these colleagues here. its probably both. im less confident in my identity. i feel like i need to play a role here because im a guy and guys are supposed to act a certain way. and i cant connect that much with the guys here. its so embarrassing i miss my boy 

i miss my bf

i know hes busy but im sad hes not answering all my texts 

i want him here right now hes the only one that understands me fully

im going to see him in a week maybe more 

i need to talk to him he is my everything and he makes me calm 

i cant explain how much i love him and im connected to him 

❤️

i feel a bit alone here even though i try to talk with people and i do, i try to start some personal conversations but some of them dont want it. im really bothered by my voice because its too high and im worried about my looks. and my health is still pretty bad. mehhh