i feel so sick

im so tired. im too tired to cry. everything hurts me today. sometimes for a moment i wish it was some kind of a bad illness. only because it would be taken more seriously and maybe even cured. i cant do anything. i have an exam next week. im so scared. 

i dont think my boyfriend gets it.

at all.

i feel so alone in this. but i also stopped telling him stuff about my sickness bc if feels like im bothering him. i think sometimes he would rather not hear it. a specific place in my abdomen hurts often. i dont know if thats bad or what. theres a lot of blood sometimes. i dont know why. im going to the hospital next week. i really dont want to.  

i want to cry but i cant .

im so fucking miserable.

im meeting 2 of my friends (from my hometown) tmrw. i also have to pack for uni. i feel kinda sick. my stomach has been hurting most of the day but its because i ate a bit of jam. my whole abdomen hurts. its so tiring. my bf lowkey promised to visit me this summer and he wont and im not mad but sad about it. i thought he could find some time for it. 

my friends want to meet very early (at least for me bc i wake up just before noon most days) 

im going to shower and continue this bc the waters already running. i also have to wash my hair 

im laying in bed now and i dont feel like finishing this thought so goodnight

10:50 making breakfast

social

 id like to be more open and friendly in social situations but i think im not percieved as masculine when i do that. id like to open up more and have deeper conversations with my collegues but ive learned to distance and isolate myself so that i seem more cool and mysterious i guess. its stupid. as fuck. 

11:00 breakfast 

12:00 poop :(

12:30 coffee and looking through old photos

13:30 cleanup before studying

13:45 studied for the exam until 15:35 (thats a lot for me!)

forgot to write it down but i ate dinner and went to the store with my dad

now its 19:30 and im eating a sandwich and watching youtube 

20:15 stardew valley 

monday. i cant study!!!

10:30 poop

11:10 breakfast

11:40 house md and coffee 

12:00 drawing in the garden

12:20 stardew and videocalling my bf :3

14:00 tiktok 

15:00 sewing and watching house md 

15:50 washed my hair 

16:00 back to sewing and house 

17:20 dinner 

then around 18:15 i ate a sausage 

then my dad promised to drive me to the store but he had to work 

so im sewing and watching house again

at 20:25 i finished sewing 

20:40 poop

21:10 played stardew